


i'll just have to kiss you first

by Homosexy



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Deladora, F/F, Flonks, Fluff and Angst, Light Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-19
Updated: 2016-11-19
Packaged: 2018-08-31 19:39:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,727
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8591113
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Homosexy/pseuds/Homosexy
Summary: The world outside and inside was bleak and once again Tonks was empty. The image flashed before her eyes, but she hadn’t even seen it. She’d come round to find Remus Lupin on his knees, wailing like a child, Mad Eye stoically grim as he stood up with effort. She’d looked around- there was Emmeline, dusting herself off, a few ministry officials surrounding the Death Eaters in the room.There was no Sirius.





	

**Author's Note:**

> i have wanted to write this fic for THE LONGEST TIME and its 2am so sorry bc i have not checked this and im gay n tired. I just love this pairing so much it makes me very happy for lots of reasons. also some more things that didn't make it into this fic: fred and george definitely had a bet about them dating, hermione and ginny were definitely rooting for it (harry and ron were clueless bless them). in this universe tonks n remus don't die and they live long happy lives. tonks still has nightmares and fleur holds her when she wakes up and comforts her and its pure and beautiful. when tonks first meets gabrielle gabrielle is like woah!!! your hair!!!! badassery and is super happy that her sister is dating somebody so awesome. Andromeda meets fleur and is like "shes good you can keep her" also andromeda is a fucking force of nature who would definitely send a howler to dumbledore.
> 
> Hope you enjoy

It had been a while since Tonks had been beyond tears, wandering the world with no desire to ever find her way again.

The last time, she really had been a lost child. With no hope that she would ever be found again. Dawlish, that Griffyndor bastard, a seventh year no less. She could almost laugh about it now, but her thirteen year old self, who told Madame Pomfrey that she’d just fallen down the stairs, felt like her life had ended. Lying in that hospital bed, unable to sleep because of this _arsehole._ Praying that she’d be in the hospital wing one more day so that she wouldn’t have to face him again.

Friends came to visit, but she told them nothing. They told her that the third years had stopped gossiping about how she’d dumped the head boy’s younger brother, that everyone was just hoping for her recovery because they really missed her and how funny she was in classes. Tonks didn’t know if she’d ever be able to even smile again. Every time somebody mentioned anything remotely connected to either Dawlish, a wave of panic rose inside that she desperately fought in order to keep it hidden.

She hadn’t done anything wrong. She hadn’t done anything wrong.

That was her mantra, the thing she kept repeating to herself. It would have been worse to keep dating Eric Dawlish. It would have been worse to lead him on after she realise she could never like him. Honestly, Eric Dawlish beating her up wouldn’t have been terrible. He was a big kid, but she was better at magic than him and he didn’t have the reflexes or the brains that his brother did.

Eric Dawlish holding her down and foul-mouthing every homophobic insult in the book while his brother punched her and kicked her, over and over again, until he’d had enough, or gotten bored, or whatever made him decide to stop. That haunted her, every moment of her life, awake or asleep, until the Easter holidays, when she couldn’t wait to leave Hogwarts. For the first time in her life, she was desperate to go home. Once she’d left the hospital wing, after a measly two nights (and really, it should have been one but Madame Pomfrey could see Tonks’ emotional distress- which she put down to school work- and let her stay one more night), she’d been lucky enough to escape being attacked again. But she spent every moment looking over her shoulder. She stopped being the class clown, stopped laughing and stopped smiling. She couldn’t metamorphose. Everywhere she went, there was always a Dawlish foot waiting for her to trip on it.

Her mother, sharp as ever, immediately noticed something was wrong. But it took her father, sitting down with her in a peaceful silence, asking no questions, simply existing beside her, for it to all come out. The floods of tears came, everything that had been suppressed came back twice as hard as when she first felt it.

Andromeda had always borne a certain resemblance to her sister, but as Tonks sat on the sofa between her parents, she finally understood why people mistook them for each other. Why her mother would joke about how Ted was the first man with enough guts to ever approach her, how all the Slytherins had been petrified her. For the first time she saw the force of nature that was her mother, incensed at the fact that someone who had been appointed _head boy_ , no less, had hurt her daughter.

Not many people send Albus Dumbledore a howler.

Tonks was still terrified. She didn’t know what would happen except that the teachers would just make it all worse. They’d be angry she told and it would just be _worse_. She shared her fears with her parents because she couldn’t seem to keep anything to herself any more, despite the fact she felt inexplicably empty. It all just came pouring out.

In the ten days left of the holidays, Andromeda sat up every night with her daughter, painstakingly teaching her to perform the Full Body Bind Curse nonverbally. She hoped her daughter would never need it again. She wasn’t even sure whether a thirteen year old could do that. Even Bellatrix, a genius for all of her infinite faults, hadn’t mastered nonverbal spells until her fifth year. Tonks looked as if she might have a chance of at least learning this one. If it would keep her safe, Andromeda would do anything

Halfway through the holidays, Dumbledore, McGonagall and Sprout all stepped out of the fireplace.

Tonks returned for the summer term, with a half-learned nonverbal spell and a little more confidence. Dumbledore had kindly assured her that she would be safe and to not hesitate to speak up if something ever happened again. The first thing she saw was a huddle of Griffyndors, muttering awkwardly. Nobody noticed her. She made her way to the Hufflepuff dormitories and flopped onto her bed. She hadn’t even started back and she was already exhausted.  
“Tonks!” her friend Lucy dashed into the room, “Have you heard the news?”  
“What?” Tonks asked bleakly, sitting up  
“John Dawlish got demoted. He’s not head boy any more”  
“Really?” Tonks sat up straight  
“Yeah, nobody knows what happened but he and his brother Eric apparently have a week of detentions. And Griffyndor have lost a ton of house points”  
Tonks couldn’t think of anything to say. She stared at Lucy for a while and then suddenly, she started to talk. Without even thinking about it, she told her everything.

The target that had been on her back shattered. It took a while to go back to her usual class-clown self, but Tonks felt like she could breathe again. There were still nightmares and fears that she wouldn’t fully overcome until fourth or fifth year. But she was going to make it.

There was none of that hope now.

The world outside and inside was bleak and once again Tonks was empty. The image flashed before her eyes, but she hadn’t even seen it. She’d come round to find Remus Lupin on his knees, wailing like a child, Mad Eye stoically grim as he stood up with effort. She’d looked around- there was Emmeline, dusting herself off, a few ministry officials surrounding the Death Eaters in the room.

There was no Sirius.

It wasn’t even like she’d known him long. The pain that Remus was experiencing, that Harry had to endure… her grief had to pale in comparison. But he was a member of her family. Her mother had told her many stories about “her favourite cousin”, until Tonks was six or seven and suddenly the stories stopped. In time she understood why and in more time, she’d met the man himself, seen his tearful reunion with her mother.

The guilt bit at her stomach, making it churn. If she could just have beaten Bellatrix… She knew exactly why Bellatrix had bested her; it had been that last killing curse that Tonks had deflected a little late. But Bellatrix kept her timing perfect; a stunner sent at her was effortlessly redirected by a well-placed shield charm towards her opponent, like it was effortless.

If her timing had just been a little better, maybe Sirius would be alive.

If she’d argued harder for them to be honest with Harry, maybe Sirius would be alive

If the stupid fucking Ministry had just opened their eyes, Sirius would be alive.

The dawn light seeped in through the window, washing the room in a cold light. She hadn’t slept. Again. Her hunger gnawed at her, but it didn’t occupy her. It wasn’t important. Somewhere in another room, Remus Lupin was having to come to terms with the fact that his best friend, stolen from him in Azkaban for twelve years, could never be rescued from this. Somewhere in Hogwarts, Harry was mourning a man who he should have known for longer, the closest thing he had to a family.

Part of her wanted to run and part of her wanted to bury herself in her bed. How could she face any of them again? Not just Remus and Harry, but the Weasleys, Hermione, Mundungus… McGonagall and Snape, Dumbledore and Kingsley, who had put their faith in her despite her young age. How could she look them in the eye, any of them?

There was a timid knock at her door.

Definitely not Remus. If she wasn’t ready to face the world, there was no way he would emerge unless he had a job, in which case he would not be knocking on her door. The professors were at Hogwarts. Dung was away, probably hiding out of shame because yet again, he took a break at exactly the wrong time. Fred and George had left last night. It was probably Molly.

Maybe she could deal with that, at least.  
  
“Come in” her voice cracked. She hadn’t used it for twenty hours, hadn’t drunk anything for twelve and her throat felt like paper  
“You have been in here a while. I thought you might want something to eat”  
It wasn’t the accent Tonks had been expecting  
“Oh, it’s you” she said blankly. She hadn’t really talked much to Fleur, even though she’d been at the headquarters since February.   
“I’ll leave this here” Fleur said, setting down a plate of delicate little sandwiches on the bedside table. In spite of herself, Tonks couldn’t help but ask  
“How did you know peanut butter is my favourite?”  
“You mentioned it a while ago” Fleur shrugged, “I just wanted to do something to help”  
“Thanks” Tonks couldn’t muster up anything more. She suddenly felt like she wanted to cry again. Fleur awkwardly patted her on the shoulder and then started to leave  
“Wait” Tonks said suddenly, not wanting to look up. She heard Fleur stop, “Have you checked in on Remus?”  
“He left with Bill this morning. He told me to tell you, actually. It just slipped my mind, I’m sorry”  
“So he did have a job” it was more of a note to herself than a comment  
“Yes. Originally Dumbledore was going to give it to you, but he took it. Said he didn’t think you would be up to it yet”

When Fleur did leave, Tonks broke down.

She ate everything on the plate, then finally managed to get at least a few hours of sleep, though it was restless and troubled. She awoke around midday and didn’t even want to look in the mirror, but she forced herself too. It occurred to her to fix the enormous shadow below her eyes, but something inside her knew that she wasn’t capable of changing her appearance right now.

The smell of food wafted up the stairs and Tonks aimlessly followed her nose downstairs. In a bizarre alliance, Fleur, Molly, Fred and George were making the cooking a team effort  
“Smells good” Tonks announced her presence in the doorway, “Do you need any help?”  
“We’re alright, thank you” Molly smiled, “Just relax”  
“Are you sure?” all of a sudden Tonks couldn’t stand to do nothing. She had to do something useful  
“Yes, really” Molly replied kindly, “Why don’t you go into the living room for a bit?”  


Tonks did as suggested, but there was no way she could simply sit on the sofa right now. She had to do something, anything to feel like she wasn’t a complete waste of a human being. The renovation of Grimmauld Place had been largely successful, but over the last few days of chaos, the place had become dusty at a suspicious speed, at least as far as Tonks could see.

She missed Mrs Weasley’s call to lunch because she was cleaning so furiously. When Fleur eventually came to fetch her, Tonks was aggressively dusting a mantelpiece that was entirely spotless. Her eyes were overbright  
“Tonks” Fleur came to stand beside her, to make sure she was heard, “Lunch is ready”  
“Huh?” Tonks had completely been in her own world and was startled to find another person in the room, let alone beside her  
“Lunch. It’s ready. Mrs Weasley called you five minutes ago, but I guess you did not hear”  
“Uh, no” Tonks plastered a smile she didn’t believe in onto her face, still dusting the mantelpiece  
“Well come on. You have clearly been working hard, you must be hungry” Fleur smiled a little and Tonks did not know whether she was being laughed at.

As suddenly as the urge to be active had come, it went again. Tonks had immediately offered to do the washing up and proceeded to attempt it herself at alarming pace, until George narrowly saved a cup from hitting the floor and suggested him and George take over. For a short while, Tonks was searching frantically for things to do. Then she simply just collapsed onto the sofa. All her energy had just gone. She felt hopeless and empty and grey. Tears were coming to her again.

She hated this. She wanted it to stop. Everything just needed to stop. Tonks just wanted to sleep until she didn’t feel all of this anymore, until it was over and she could just be a normal human again. She curled into the sofa, making herself as small as she could, wishing she didn’t exist.

 

* * *

 

 

It had been a long, heavy journey. The Ministry (thanks to Kingsley) had given her two week’s leave, as well as her next two weeks of work being incredibly light. For a while, she stopped feeling anything at all. Her feelings were grayed out, cast in monochrome. She had nothing to do with herself and simply existed. Oranges and blues had eventually started to make their way back in and, after a while, she was a functioning human again.

She’d struck up a strange friendship with Fleur. Tonks supposed she felt guilty for not being there at the ministry, for not being there to help. It would explain why she was going out of her way to do anything she could to help at Grimmauld Place. Which Tonks could relate to, having frantically tried to do anything she could to feel like she had some sort of worth.

It started off simply as kind gestures on Fleur’s part, occasionally knocking on Tonks’ door and popping in to check that she was actually drinking water, if she was hungry, how she was doing. One day, Tonks had managed to stumble on a conversation in her bleak landscape of thoughts and latched onto it like a life ring. Because Fleur was new, because she hadn’t been there, she was an outsider. Tonks knew that she wasn’t going to judge her. Somehow, talking to Fleur had made her feel like she was an actual person again and not some useless consciousness inhabiting an empty shell.

So now, they were somehow friends. Tonks would come back from her shifts in Hogsmeade and tell Fleur about the town, lamenting over the boarded-up shops. She would tell her about the other aurors, about how Dawlish could never make eye contact with her. At first Fleur did not understand why this was funny and Tonks had to explain what had happened. She made it short, tried to avoid the details because she still wasn’t okay and bringing up her childhood trauma was probably one of the worst things she could do. Fleur had listened, grown angry and sad as Tonks continued her story, at one point declaring she would punch him in the face (which had made Tonks chuckle). As Tonks finished her explanation, Fleur had nodded sadly and said how she hoped that one day, kids wouldn’t have to experience that kind of stuff. Her words had too much weight for pure sympathy, but Tonks didn’t inquire.

Fleur would talk about her colleagues at Gringotts, funny, amusing stories about how she proved them wrong when they assumed she was just some pretty face. She’d reminisce about the time she spent at Hogwarts during the Triwizard Tournament, then a bit about her little sister too. Fleur’s face always lit up when she talked about Gabrielle, how she was so excited that Fleur was in England, how she really wanted to come and meet all the people in the Order and especially to see Harry (Tonks had been highly amused by the lake story). Fleur wrote to her family at least every week and missed them, she said, but loved working for the order. It occurred to Tonks to ask her, why she’d come in the first place. And so Fleur explained that, after the tournament, she had been horrified and naturally, wanted to spend time with her family. She had stayed at home for a while, but heard about Madame Maxime’s mission to the giants. Right then, Fleur knew that she wanted to do something. She couldn’t just watch things play out from another country. Her parents had been reluctant for her to leave and Gabrielle had cried, but Fleur promised to bring her back lots of “British things” and to write every week.

It made Tonks kind of jealous. She didn’t have any siblings. It also made her want to see her parents again. The last time she’d seen them had been just after Sirius’ death. Her father had supported both his wife and daughter and once again, been the constant in the family, keeping them all together.

There was one evening, when she and Fleur were the only ones at Grimmauld Place- a pretty rare occurrence. The number of order members there had diminished, largely because during the period when they hadn’t known if it was safe, everyone got used to operating without it. Despite this, there was usually at least one other person around. Fleur had sighed about her day and Tonks had related her latest news (nothing much). The conversation had lulled and they slipped into a comfortable silence. Fleur was resting her eyes, while Tonks absentmindedly made a thimble cartwheel around the coffee table  
“Hey” she suddenly asked. Fleur opened her eyes and turned to look at Tonks expectantly, “You know when I told you about Dawlish?”  
“Bastard” Fleur yawned and Tonks grinned  
“Well I was just wondering,” This was so much more awkward than she had anticipated. But Tonks had opened her mouth now and she wasn’t going to stop, “When I finished telling you, you seemed… well, I dunno. At the time I wondered if maybe you’d had trouble at school or something, but I didn’t want to ask”  
“You are perceptive”  
“I’m sorry, if you don’t want to say anything that’s fine. I don’t know why I asked” Tonks started to mumble, as she had a habit of doing, “It’s none of my business”  
“Don’t worry” Fleur laughed reassuringly, “It is okay. You have every right to be curious. I guess you could say something happened, though nothing like yours. I mean, the boys at Beauxbatons were mostly rude to me anyway. I am part Veela, so they think they have an excuse to be disgusting” Fleur snorted, “In sixth year I dated my friend, Celine. Then everybody knew that I liked girls and boys. Nobody was horrible, I suppose. But the comments… well, I’m sure you know” Fleur finished with a shrug  
“That’s awful. I’m sorry” Tonks said  
“Well, like I said, hopefully it will not be that way soon”  
“Yeah”

The conversation died again. Tonks wondered what it had been like for Fleur; had she experienced that same anxiety? Was she always watching over her shoulder? In a way, it was sort of comforting, to meet someone who shared that experience.

The next week was particularly hard; the news of a Greyback attack tore across the papers like wildfire. She was quickly reassured of Remus’ safety, but then she had to endure some of her fellow aurors muttering about how werewolves should be rounded up, how maybe Umbridge was right. The mention of that woman’s name was enough to make Tonks see red, but coupled with everything else they were saying, she was having a hard time not hexing them (okay, maybe she cast a trip jinx that very satisfyingly caught all of them at once).

Then, while at Hogwarts, she’d run into Kreacher, who had muttered about how she was the filthy blood traitor who should have died at the ministry. Memories of Sirius, of everything, came back- and she had to make it through the rest of her shift before she could collapse on the sofa and complain about her week to an equally exasperated Fleur.

It had become a routine, before she even knew it, they’d come home to each other and rant about their respective equally shitty weeks. They’d talk worriedly about Remus, reassuring one another he was going to be okay. Laugh over the latest edition of the Quibbler. Tonks bought her a Christmas present- she’d only bought presents for her family and the Weasleys (well, mostly for Molly and Arthur) other than that. Yet there she was, selecting out a pair of festive but elegant earrings that she knew Fleur would love. In return, Fleur had bought her the latest Weird Sisters shirt (despite the fact she didn’t listen to the band herself). When Tonks went to her parents’ for Christmas, it suddenly felt odd that she hadn’t seen Fleur for over a week. She was spending Christmas with the Weasleys. Tonks visited on Boxing Day, along with Hermione, and they had a great deal of fun in the snow, culminating in an all-out snowball war in which Harry and Ron were pummelled, Ginny and Hermione teamed up with formidable results, Fred and George were generally solid and Fleur dumped snow down the back of Tonk’s coat, before immediately performing a drying charm through peals of laughter. Tonks later exacted revenge with an excellent four-snowball attack, though unfortunately she was immediately targeted by Hermione.

By the time Tonks realised what was going on, it was already too late.

She’d come back to Grimmauld Place one February evening and Fleur had made her a coffee and some toast, because she knew that was exactly what Tonks would want, exactly how Tonks knew to make Fleur a chamomile tea and grab some biscuits when she was the last one back. They’d settled down on the sofa and started to talk. Tonks was literally mid-sentence, when it hit her. She didn’t know whether it was the fact that Fleur had just shifted slightly, bringing Tonks’ attention to the fact they were resting their legs in each other’s laps, or whether it was simply a sudden light-bulb moment. She didn’t let it show and continued the conversation. But her brain was suddenly on high-alert, examining every microscopic detail of the situation she was in and coming quickly to the inevitable conclusion that she had fallen for Fleur.

 _Shit_.

Even as they bade each other goodnight, Tonks noticed how their usual tone was definitely something more than friendly. How long had this been going on? This was what happened every week, nothing was new. It was just, for the first time, Tonks could really see what was happening.

Somehow, she found herself in the kitchen at two in the morning, sipping a butterbeer. The nightmares that plagued her after Sirius’ death were less common now, but she’d usually be awake at this time about once a month. At first, she hadn’t known how to cope. Now, she calmly accepted that she wasn’t going to get back to sleep for a while and simply waited for the blurred images of a cackling Bellatrix looming over her, casting aside Sirius’ lifeless corpse, to leave. It had happened before at Grimmauld Place; usually she would just lie in bed, maybe read, but tonight she’d felt like going down to the kitchen for some reason. Maybe she’d just been thirsty, or maybe she wanted a different use of her time before she could sleep again.

Fleur walked in, rubbing her eyes.  
  
“Did I wake you?” Tonks asked apologetically  
“Yes, it’s fine” Fleur replied, taking a glass from the dresser and filling it with water  
“Well, sorry anyway” Tonks shrugged. She took another sip of her butterbeer, aware that Fleur was watching her from where she leant against the counter  
“How come you are awake?” Fleur asked. Tonks had been waiting for the question, unsure whether she wanted to tell the truth. But she’d known she would end up being honest anyway  
“Nightmares” Tonks said simply. No more explanation. She left it there for Fleur to interpret  
“Since Sirius died, yes?” Fleur asked again. Tonks nodded  
“I don’t have them as often now. Once a month at most”  
“I suppose that is good”  
“Yeah”

Tonks finished the rest of her butterbeer and stood up. She felt like she would be able to sleep now. Fleur also put down her glass. Tonks didn’t need to ask why, to ask whether Fleur was also heading back to bed. She knew why Fleur hadn’t just gone back to sleep when she woke up. They headed out of the kitchen together, without saying anything. Fleur reached her room first  
“Good night”  
“Yeah, night” Tonks replied. Fleur’s gaze seemed to linger on her, as if she was pausing before going back into her room. But the next second, the door had closed and the moment was gone. Tonks made her way back to her own bed. Almost instantaneously, she was asleep once more.

“Morning” Fleur said as she walked into the kitchen. Tonks was cooking breakfast for the both of them already. Fleur stretched as she sat down  
“Did you get back to sleep well? No more nightmares?”  
“Yeah, I slept well actually” Tonks replied over her shoulder, “You?”  
“I slept fine. But, I am still tired”  
“At least you don’t have work today”  
“True. You leave in the afternoon, right?”  
“Yup” Tonks confirmed. _Of course they knew each other’s exact routines_. She flipped a pancake with considerable aplomb- it was always more fun without magic- then after deeming it suitably cooked, put it onto a plate and sent it over to the table  
“Bon Appetit”  
“Your pronunciation is still horrible” Fleur laughed  
“You just need to teach me better”  
“Bon Appetit” Fleur responded beautifully. Tonks attempted to copy, but this only caused Fleur to laugh more   
“Perhaps you are just hopeless” she teased, “Maybe languages are not your thing”  
“I know you find my terrible accent endearing” _Again. It just came out without even thinking. How is this how we normally talk?  
_ “I find your lovely pancakes endearing” Fleur said before starting to eat. By this point, Tonks had just joined her with her own, considerably more misshapen pancake. They ate in pretty much comfortable silence, apart from Fleur laughing at the sugar Tonks had somehow managed to get on her nose.   
“I think I’m going to nap” Fleur announced, “I’ll be back up before you go though, don’t worry”  
“I won’t. I’ve got some work to do anyway, so that’s probably good”  
“Are you saying I distract you?” _Okay, that wasn’t just our conversation. She definitely just flirted with me. She flirted with me. Flirted. With me. Crap! I need to respond. What should I say? Is it too eager if I say yes? Should I say maybe?_  
“Maybe” Tonks replied. Fleur was definitely closer than she was last time Tonks checked  
“Just a maybe?” She teased, her eyes dancing  
“Maybe” Tonks laughed   
“You are impossible” Fleur sighed, “Maybe I’ll just have to kiss you first”

Tonks stopped breathing.

 _Was that…what…? Holy shit. Keep it together.  Be cool. Be cool. C-o-o-l cool. She’s definitely even closer_.

Fleur was looking directly into her gaze, gauging her response. Tonks was breathing again, but she was also pretty sure she was going bright red.   
“Did… Do you want to kiss me?”  
Fleur rolled her eyes in the most wonderfully dramatic way  
“Do you really need to ask that?”

And Fleur did kiss her first.   
  
“You, are a big idiot, you know” she pronounced through a wide grin   
“I know” Tonks laughed. She stood on the spot, unsure of what to do, vaguely aware that Fleur was now holding both of her hands even though she didn’t exactly remember when that first happened.

Tonks kissed her back.

  


 

 

**Author's Note:**

> come say hi at holtzmeup.tumblr.com


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